Yeah, I kind of disappeared for a while, like a looongggg while. There are lots of reasons, lots of excuses, but the point is, I have been a terrible blogger, and I apologize.
So, anyway, one year ago this past Saturday, I moved out of the house I shared with my soon-to-be-ex and moved into my own apartment. For the very first time in my life, I live on my own, with my two youngest children. I remember the day I moved in like it was yesterday. I was so happy, so full of hope, and determined to make our lives better than they had ever been. I admit that I was a little naive back then, I knew the road ahead would be hard, but I had no idea how hard. No. Idea.
This year has been the hardest of my life so far. Every detail of my life has had to be questioned, tested, evaluated. Things that I knew with one hundred percent certainty have been proven wrong. Things that I swore would never happen to me again have happened in new and even more painful ways. Every month has brought new struggles, more uphill battles, and sometimes, more setbacks. It’s not easy, this single mom taking on the world thing I am trying so hard to do, it’s not easy for me or for my kids, but my God, it is so worth it.
What I have found is that, even with the fighting, and screaming, and tears, my kids and I do really well together. We have formed a routine for our lives, one that gives all of us a sense of familiarity and strength. Our bond is strong, stronger than it was a year ago I think. I’m proud of that. We have worked really hard for that. It doesn’t always feel good, or right between us, but today, my kids are getting along, we have had probably the best family talk we have ever had, and I am so proud of us I could burst.
Alli has faced bullying for the first time in her life this year, because of me in a round-about way. Through it all she has shown such strength and determination I am humbled. She has not only stood up for herself, but for me as well. She has a very strong sense of what is right, and what is true, and the courage she has shown fills me with pride at the child she is, and the woman she is becoming.
Samuel has grown and matured immensely this past year. When we moved in here he was a little boy. He was afraid of a lot of things, and he has been forced to face every one of his fears this past year. He turned twelve in April, and the difference in him now is phenomenal. He isn’t my baby anymore, but he is a wonderful, smart, and funny young man, and I couldn’t be more proud.
I moved in to this apartment with some assumptions about how things were going to be, and as those assumptions crashed and burned one by one, the pain was, and is, immense. But we are here, we are together, and today, I am so grateful that we are and I wouldn’t change a thing.