I’m still here. Still trying to be anywhere but here, still not sure I will ever be able to be anywhere else. How many times can you let yourself believe this time will be different, this time I can finally have what other people take for granted, and have it pulled out from underneath of you at the last second? This time was bad, y’all. This time I really let myself believe the crap coming out of my own mouth. I really thought the happy bubbly person I pretend to be could actually become the person I really am. So close. So damned close.
People think I am giving in. People think I’m quitting too soon. Maybe I am, who knows. I know I have been fighting for my entire adult life. I know I am called many things because of how hard and long I’ve fought. Ice princess, unfeeling, strong, a bitch. What am I really? Im tired. I am so damned tired of “fake it till you make it” and ” never let them see you sweat” and all the other stupid crap I tell myself every day to move forward. So unedited honesty. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t be a good mom. Does that mean he won ? I don’t know, and right now, I really don’t care.