To the person that caused me a lot of pain

Day 12: The Person you hate the most/ caused you a lot of pain………..

Dear Don,

I should start this by telling you that I truly don’t hate you.  At one point, I probably did, but not anymore, and not for a long time.

You were my first love.  I was a terribly overweight, very young girl, and I guess you could smell a sucker coming from a mile away.  You were really good at that.  Somehow, you knew what I wanted to hear and said it, never meaning a word.  Obviously, you set the tone for a lot of relationships to come for me.

I was so happy when you asked me to be your girlfriend.  I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world.  You told me I was the luckiest girl in the world, and who was I not to believe you?  You said I was fat, and couldn’t ever do any better than you, so I had no choice than to put up with your constant cheating, and verbal abuse.  I don’t know why I accepted that so easily, but I never doubted a word you said.  It wasn’t until just a couple of years ago that I finally realized that no one has the right to talk to me that way.  I have learned now that I teach people how to treat me, and you helped teach me how I should be treated.  Not anymore.  And never again.

When you joined the Army and were stationed in Germany, I was devastated.  I knew if you couldn’t be faithful living five minutes away, there was no chance if you were in another country.  You and I planning to get pregnant, however, was not the brightest move I ever made.  Don’t misunderstand, I am and have always been grateful that I had Jessica.  I just know that if I had been honest with myself then, I knew you would never be in her life.

I went through a lot of hard times, after Jess was born.  You had disappeared, and I was on my own with her.  I am so grateful that my mom let me live with her, and I am really proud that I never asked you for a dime.  Jessica has no desire to know you anymore, and she and I have an amazing bond.  She is 21 now, by the way, and completely amazing.  I am extremely proud of the woman she has become.

I really feel bad for you.  You fathered Jess, and at least one other child that I know of.  You have no contact with either of them, and honestly, that is probably for the best.  Do you ever wonder about your daughters?  Do you think about the people they have become?  It’s sad to think of how much you missed out on, just because you wanted to run away from responsibility.

I hope you are happy with your life now.  I would like to say you can contact me, and I will get you in touch with Jess.  However, you can’t, and I won’t.  That is not a punishment, or a way to get back at you.  It’s not even to protect Jessica, although I would protect her, and all of my children, with my life.  There is just no place for you in our lives anymore.  Jessica has a father.  He has a lot of faults, to be sure, but he always has been and always will be her dad, and she loves him.

I really don’t know what else to say to you.  You should know, that you hurt me.  Badly.  The things you did and said have colored my life.  It has taken huge amounts  of work to overcome them.  I still struggle with them.  Again, though, in the end, you are the one that lost.

Jenn

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