What I really want you to know, is that as hard as I try to be honest about who I am, there are parts of me that I have hidden for so long that I don’t know about them myself, entirely. I tried for so long to be the person everyone wanted me to be, that I lost sight of who I am, for a while. So bear with me, I can only be as honest with you as I am with myself.
What I really want you to know, is that I love my children passionately. That means that I will do what is best for them. Always. Every time. That does not mean that I will give them everything they want, (sorry, guys) but I will do whatever it takes to give them what they need, and maybe some of what they want, too. It also means that I will not allow anyone to do anything to hurt them, physically, mentally, or emotionally. I will cut you out of our lives permanently, and I will not rest until I have. Guaranteed.
What I really want you to know, is that it takes me a long time to trust someone. It wasn’t always that way. I used to trust quickly, and permanently. So many people have betrayed my trust in the past couple of years, that I have learned to be more….selective, I guess, with who I can trust. Walls are much more easily put up then torn down, apparently. I built mine as a matter of survival.
What I really want you to know is that I have made a lot of mistakes. I have paid for them, and learned from them. That might not be enough. I might never re-gain what was lost as a result. I will have to live with that forever. All I can do is make amends, and move forward. I cannot live with guilt and regret. The only thing to come from that is bitterness, and anger, and self hate. That would serve no purpose for anyone.
What I really want you to know is that I am trying really hard to live a life that my children and I can be proud of. I will never be perfect, I will always make mistakes. I do however have a lot of help. Friends help. My kids help. Coming here, to share my thoughts and feelings more openly and honestly than I ever have in my entire life helps more than I could ever express. For all of this, I am sincerely and eternally grateful.