What I Really Want You To Know

What I really want you to know, is that as hard as I try to be honest about who I am, there are parts of me that I have hidden for so long that I don’t know about them myself, entirely.  I tried for so long to be the person everyone wanted me to be, that I lost sight of who I am, for a while.  So bear with me, I can only be as honest with you as I am with myself.

What I really want you to know, is that I love my children passionately.  That means that I will do what is best for them.  Always.  Every time.  That does not mean that I will give them everything they want, (sorry, guys) but I will do whatever it takes to give them what they need, and maybe some of what they want, too.  It also means that I will not allow anyone to do anything to hurt them, physically, mentally, or emotionally.  I will cut you out of our lives permanently, and I will not rest until I have.  Guaranteed.

What I really want you to know, is that it takes me a long time to trust someone.  It wasn’t always that way.  I used to trust quickly, and permanently.  So many people have betrayed my trust in the past couple of years, that I have learned to be more….selective, I guess, with who I can trust.  Walls are much more easily put up then torn down, apparently.  I built mine as a matter of survival.

What I really want you to know is that I have made a lot of mistakes.  I have paid for them, and learned from them.  That might not be enough.  I might never re-gain what was lost as a result.  I will have to live with that forever.  All I can do is make amends, and move forward.  I cannot live with guilt and regret.  The only thing to come from that is bitterness, and anger, and self hate.  That would serve no purpose for anyone.

What I really want you to know is that I am trying really hard to live a life that my children and I can be proud of.  I will never be perfect, I will always make mistakes.  I do however have a lot of help.  Friends help.  My kids help.  Coming here,  to share my thoughts and feelings more openly and honestly than I ever have in my entire life helps more than I could ever express.  For all of this, I am sincerely and eternally grateful.

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