The Rules

It has come to my attention that there are some people in this world who, for whatever reason, just don’t understand how to behave in society. Sadly, these poor misguided souls are wandering free in this world just waiting to behave like a douche cake. I don’t blame them, as I said, I am not about blame, it’s just the way they are. However, as of late, one such douche cake has been making my otherwise peaceful little world, umm, unpeaceful, shall we say. So, in a very Zen, peace loving way, I am going to explain the rules, as I see them.

1. Don’t say ignorant, nasty things is text messages. Really? Assuming you aren’t 12, you can express yourself in a respectful way, I am sure. Actually, as adults, I think if you have a serious matter to discuss, it should be done at least on the phone, if not in person. Seriously, some things are just not appropriate for text messages.

2. If you are arguing, please stay on topic. For the love of God, don’t bring up last month, last year, last decade if you are arguing about something that is happening now. It is just not necessary, it won’t get you anywhere, and you look like a douche cake. I’m sorry, you do. The past is in the past, move on.

3. Closely related to 2, if you are angry at me, please direct your anger, and therefore your insults, at me. Do not bring my friends into it. Your problem is not with them, but if you fuck with my friends, you will have more problems with me than you ever imagined. Do not push me on this point, I will not budge.

4. If you are going through a breakup, please remember that no matter how wronged you may feel, everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone. Even your ex. Please don’t lower yourself to trying to sabotage every good time you find out your ex might be having. Very uncool! Again, your douche cake-ness is going to show through, you will end up looking like a jackass, and your ex will still have a good time.

5. We have all made mistakes. None of us here on earth are perfect, unless you happen to be God, or Buddha, or someone. When confronted with your mistake, for fucks sake, admit to them. Don’t automatically point your finger at someone else in a pitiful attempt to pin the blame on them. Own it, admit it, if you can be genuine, apologize, and move on. Again, the past is in the past.

6. When someone apologizes to you, and you accept said apology, let the matter end there. Life is short my friends, to short to hold on to resentments, so, again, let the past be the past, and lets try to make tomorrow better, shall we?

7. Do not cyberstalk! I can’t stress this point enough! This is not only making you look again like a douche, but it is gross, and creepy, and, just fyi, punishable by law.

8. When you break up with an ex, and you say it’s over, for fucks sake, let it be over. Do not assume that you still have “ownership” over your ex. That is probably part of the reason that they are your ex. No one “owns” another person. Trying to act like you do, will not make it come true, but it will make you an asshole.

9. If you do, by whatever means, gain information about an ex in regards to a new relationship, my best advice to you would be to ignore it. If you become more fixated on the new person than your ex is….you guessed it…douche cake.

10. If your relationship produced children, for the love of God, please leave the children out of your fights. Do not pump the poor souls for information about your ex’s activities. This is lower than the lowest thing you could possibly do, and no normal human being will tolerate it. Stop this at one you fuckface!

There is a lot more I could say on this topic, but that is all for now. God bless you.

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2 Responses to The Rules

  1. Anonymous says:

    don't be a douche cake is the point, right?

  2. Jenn says:

    yes, dear anonymous, that is the point. No douche cakes!

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